random jokes

The first one came with a moral of the story, while the second, contains some ‘complexity’ and I would suggest not to read it as it might corrupt your thoughts. =p

Joke 1:
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
“Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!” exclaimed the eager salesman.
“Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that” asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, “Why, madam?”
“There’s no electricity in the house…” said the lady.

Moral of the story: Be damn sure of what is happening before you do or promise something that you can’t fulfill.

Joke 2:
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course, child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me…under your robe, perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you…I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date…unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

Resources: laughitout.com

Pronouncation Problem

This is another joke from the gym, from CK, and I changed the joke slightly. Here it is.

An englishman, Alex visited a rural area in a town and greeted by the village head. Here is their conversation.

Village Head: Wealth come here (Welcome here)

Alex: Oh well, I’m supposed all of you aren’t rich, do you?

Village Head: Yay Yay!! Da villagers would rob you because you are rich, and treat your ass with a cane. (Yes Yes!! The villagers would love you because you are rich, and treat you as if a king)

Alex: Excuse me!

Village Head: You are being executed! (You are being excused)

Alex: What???!!!!

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Joke: Who can be the boss?

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said, ”I should be boss because i control the whole body’s responses and functions.” The feet said, ”We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, ”We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the boss. So, the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the a**hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***!

Moral of the story: you don’t need brains to be a boss – any a**hole will do.

Does a Christian Name Important?

Random thoughts again.

My friend CK, or Chun Kiao to be specifically mentioned, told us about his previously funny experience at work. I asked him, ” Why did you change your name to Andrew? “
CK: In corporate world, Christian names are easily memorised and quite necessary as well.
SY: But if you used CK, its alright what?
CK: Ya, initially I thought so, but people don’t know there is such a name.
SY: Huh?
CK: I called some company and someone actually asked for my name. And I told her my name is CK. The next thing she asked me is “How do you spell it?” And I replied, ” C…K”. Obviously, people don’t know of such a name mah…

*** Burst into laughter ***

Imagine I use abbreviation as well and call myself WM, then maybe I need to spell it Da-Be-You M. Lol…

Today’s joke

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded “You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you’re talking to?”

“No” replied the trainee..

“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!”

The trainee shouted back “And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director angrily.

“Thank God….!!” replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Just a Joke

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my cooking, my pretty face ……or my sexy body?’ He looked at her from head to toe, smiled, and replied: ‘Well …….I REALLY like your sense of humor!’

Stress Relievers Part II

I was clearing my email inbox, due to exceeding the limit. I was tracing back to some of my old emails, and found something really funny. So.. I just copied and pasted them here. Hope everyone can laugh it out to relieve stress. =p

The MOST ROMANTIC love poems on the 1st line and MOST UNROMANTIC on the 2nd line

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty & so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between the eyes.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you’re not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face,
I wish I were in outer space.

I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I’d prefer you inside out.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe “go to hell.”

Stress Relievers

1.
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and  powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
 
2.
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
 
3.
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.
 
4.
A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”
 
5.
Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
 

6.
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”..
“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
 
7.
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be somewoman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

8.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”.. When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
”God Almighty !” shouted Mary.
The teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary
The teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.

Lame, yet not funny.. Pls dun kill me

Just being random… Is quite a… stupid lame joke. Or is it a joke?

1.
We know how prawns laughed … Hei Hei…
We know how fish laughed … Hher Hher…
How do office boys and office ladies laugh?

2.
Which colour best represents Michael Jackson?
(i) Black  (ii) White  (iii) Yellow

Ans:
1. They use their keyboard and (key) xiao!!
2. Yellow!! Surprised!! Because he always yell “OW!!!” when he dances.

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Ignore this if you think that its really not funny. Don’t ask me how and why I got such stupid questions. Just impromtu. =p

Happy April Fool’s Day

Joke 1:

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing Up there all by yourself.”

Joke 2:

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men.
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much. He showed her the study results.
It read: “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.”
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband “It’s because we have to repeat everything we say.”
The husband said “What?”

Happy April Fool’s Day! =p